The Stubborn Old Mule

Our blog was intended to show how we overcome obstacles to do the things we show you. What you are about to read has been a series of big issues for me, for us, and while I still have not overcome it, I fully intend on giving it my best shot, albeit long overdue.

In my personal life, I’ve let things slide for too many years. Avoid, dismiss, ignore...stubborn. Those have been my main actions, or lack thereof. Problems and projects are left unaddressed, procrastinated until it is too late for a good outcome. Often Tom has to come in and take over to start or complete them, while his needs and desires have been neglected.

Today, while driving to Oatman, Arizona, we came upon several groups of wild burros; descendants of the ones let loose by the miners when their claims went bust. While they are wild, but somewhat tame and friendly, the way they came up to our windows made me think how much I’ve been like a stubborn mule looking for a free handout.

The long hiatus in posting this summer is the result of several personal issues I have been dealing with. I’ve been dreadfully mopey, seeing every bit of constructive criticism as a personal attack of atomic proportions that leads me to resist and counteract. During discussions, I’ve been the contrarian, disabling further talk and any attempts to improve. I ruminate too much, only seeing the worst of extremes. I often shut down and stop functioning. Stubborn is a great way to describe me. At times it feels like an unstoppable force of negativity, with no good to offset the bad. This puts an enormous amount of stress and hardship on Tom. I am always looking for that handout, so he has to cook, plan where we are going, orchestrate maintenance & repairs, do the driving, and talk me off the ledge as well. He ends up with all the responsibility and none of the fun. I don’t know how he manages to help so many others, too.

My actions cause hurt and frustration much too often. Every couple has conflict, and the key is to work through it to resolution and atonement, for which Tom has been pleading. The selfish idiot that I am never gets to those points and the days are continually wasted. I can see that it takes so much of his energy to pull me through, that he is always in a deficit. While he says he isn’t a saint, he is helluva good guy for putting up with my shenanigans for so long.

How serious has this gotten? We had a short separation earlier this year, but Tom began struggling with physical ailments, and I agreed to come back with a fighting-for-us-to-succeed attitude, but unfortunately did not bring the effort. Recently, we almost split again, taking a trip to Wisconsin bringing all of my belongings, where if things didn’t work out along the way, I could be left near family with my stuff. I was so stubborn and uncooperative, that it took until he drove off for me to call and plead for him to come back, which I am so grateful that he did. I regret that he didn’t get to see his family while I got to see most of my mine, as he said the support I needed was more important.

I want help. I need help. Every plan for betterment has fallen victim to the procrastinator in stubborn old me. I know I can be better than what I am. I finally sought the help from a psychiatrist and have started taking an antidepressant, hoping to improve my mood and attitude. I’ve learned that I should believe in myself and speak from the heart. There is a lot of good that can be found in each day. Just as the seasons change from winter to spring, we will emerge fresh and new, continuing to share our adventures and everything we overcome to experience them.

For everyone that has been reading along with our exploits, and stayed with us through the hiatus, I offer my gratitude: Thank you! To the people I have talked with, thank you for lending your ear and offering advice: You are all awesome. Thank you for your support and encouragement!

It has not been a good summer, or even a good couple years. It is no fun being His Royal Mopey Twatness, so it is time for HRMT to move on. I’d been allowing this behavior to continue limiting us from doing so much. I want to bring back the former kind and considerate Al! Tom deserves him to make a comeback! Imagine what we could have accomplished from the start if I’d been on board.

I hope my understanding grows, stubbornness decreases, and I find excitement in the solutions to bring about the better times we want. We can then bring you tales of how we overcame our issues to experience all the wonderful things out here to see.

As we approach Thanksgiving, I want to express a sincere thank you to Tom for all of those chances he has given me, and I hope you dear readers allow me to prove worthy if you give me one as well. Please accept my apology for not being open and honest. To err is human: I shouldn’t be ashamed of my imperfections.

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