The Dark Side

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Hello, I am coming to you today from the dark, deep abyss that has been taken over my life. Life is supposed to get easier as you age, right? At least for me that has not been the case. Sure, some things might get easier, but living with myself, the mistakes I have made, and the people I continue to hurt, all get in the way of enjoying life. I realize that I have spent too much of my energy locking things away, telling myself “it doesn’t matter.” This is nothing more than a futile attempt to put a negative experience behind me or not feel hurt. I never thought of the downside of doing this, which is that I gradually started to not care about anything. When that happens, there is no motivation, no ambition, no good or bad emotion, and no consideration for yourself or for others, which is even worse. Once I start on this path, the downward spiral is like a vortex that sucks the life or joy out of everything and everyone. Nothing has worth, not the beautiful views around us, not any accomplishment, not even me. Unfortunately, the person closest to me, who encourages me and tries to lighten my mood, just gets defeated every time he helps. It is not intentional, but I know it is the reality of it.

A counselor suggested writing a daily journal to help work through issues and help me recognize good and bad patterns, but I have resisted doing it until now. This post is the beginning of my journal, my portal to the outside world. I will try to share things like how each day is going, something for which I am grateful, something I like about myself, something I could have done better, plans for tomorrow.

I did have what I think is a small realization a couple days ago. I know not everyone is religious, but I have my faith, and it dawned on me that it is the demons and devils that want me to be in the place I have been. They delight in suffering, so if I am in distress or despair, they win. I will not let them win. I know someone who is more powerful and together we will banish them. With the help of Tom, I am seeing how life can be better. Just like the view in front of us, one day may be hazy, the next may be clear.

I won’t lie, it’s been a rough week, but I want to restore trust and hope for Tom. Most of the time I feel so inadequate. Words just don’t come to me. Thoughts don’t come to me. I fail daily, leaving him with no hope, no reason to believe I will change. But he is always standing by me, encouraging, teaching, coaching, and even scolding me when I need it. For that, I will forever be thankful. I have hurt him for too long, it’s not fair and it’s not right. For that I will forever be sorry. He is discouraged. I often feel that he has every right to hate me, but he has always stood by me, trying to help, trying to save. The only reason I know he would do that is love, so the thoughts of hate are unfounded, just like many of my assumptions.

It is my turn to be the strong one, the cheerleader, the one who gives encouragement and comfort. The one that shows love. I have to get out of my head, see what the possibilities can be and make them happen. Hope has to be restored. Trust has to be rebuilt.

We have ranged from hot and sweaty, to cool and stormy, and last night we were awakened at 4am by gale force winds that came out of nowhere. It almost felt like the RV would be blown over. We made it though it no worse for wear, and it is my hope that I can say the same for us.

As C.S. Lewis said, “You can’t go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.”

And I plan on making that my goal.