Solace

If you were asked to describe me, what would you say? My guess is that you’d say I’m pleasantly nice, helpful when asked for assistance, but very quiet. While those may be true, the real me has been hiding his true self for fear what others may think or say about it.

Who am I? I wish I knew, most days I feel lost and not in control. I can know the right thing to do, but not do it. I’m too much in my head, holding back, instead of just acting, trying to make the perfect decision or have the right timing. It can be dark, stormy, and lonely, but I’m working on having more determination, motivation, and drive find that control and make things happen.

Why that feeling? I most likely have depression, but I have not been diagnosed. I really need to take care of that. I have always been ashamed of that label, but it is an issue so many people deal with that it should not be a matter of shame. I am sad of my past and scared of the future. As part of that, I’ve been downplaying or subduing my emotions, good or bad, which has taken me to the to the point where I am expressionless. It holds me back, I’m not going for it with a 150% effort, lacking enthusiasm and passion in the things I do. The walls go up, and are hard to tear down. This also leads me to not want things, neglecting my issues, my health, my ED, the dog’s issues, repairs, and Tom. I think I’m acting and talking with more excitement in my voice, sometimes more successfully than others, but it needs to be all the time. I want to bring enthusiasm back to everything I do.

Why hold back? I haven’t always embraced my thoughts and ideas as good or worthy, instead leaving them unspoken. This only makes my mind more muddy and hazy, stagnating the thoughts until they become less, and conversation less, which is nothing more than a downward spiral. I’ve refrained from starting conversations or adding to them. My fears have lead me to stay in the background, keeping attention off myself, hiding from everything and everyone. This withdrawal makes me afraid to make decisions or take chances, choosing the comfort of nothingness instead of putting myself out there. What do they say...”just do it!” I know if I take action, the results are better than doing nothing, and I can build on small successes.

I’m more accepting of myself and who I am than I was in the past, but I still hold back, letting doubts control. Most new people that come into my life know that I’m gay, it is no secret, but for those people from the past it remains unspoken. The same goes for being married to Tom, it is no big deal for new friends to know, but it too goes unmentioned with people from my past. He is the best thing to ever happen to me, I should be shouting it from the rooftops, but I tend to hurt or abandon him. He has always been there encouraging me, holding me up, and trying to cheer me on. He is the hero of the story, and he has been trying for almost a dozen years. The feelings of shame over who I am have held me back, but I want those days to be over. I want to be a better person, not just say it, but act it! I tell myself to be proud of who I am.

Why wait? Like I’ve seen too many times, issues snowball if I don’t deal with them. Not dealing with things doesn’t only hurt me, it hurts Tom. I’m learning that problems do not go away on their own, or fix themselves. Addressing them as quickly as possible is the best way to make them go away, and in the process, learning to to work together and compromise to get it done. I’d like to say I am better at this, but I still tend to run away from problems. One of my goals is to hit them head on.

All this hiding becomes paralyzing, the walls to hide behind only get bigger and stronger, making it harder to say or do anything. I’m starting to realize it’s okay to fail, I can make another attempt with the possibility of getting it right the next time. I can’t succeed if I don’t try at all.

Why worry about what other people think? Why suppress who I am? Why worry about saying or doing something I think people won’t like? In reality, none of that matters, but I have let it control me. I can imagine the the world of possibilities if I wasn’t afraid to be or like myself. Projects would get done quickly. People around me would know how much I love and treasure them. Life would be filled with excitement for the little things as well as the grand ones. Live for today, be a dreamer.

Solace is a feeling that means relief from distress, trouble, or discomfort. Having someone in your corner can bring solace, or it can be something that grows from within. I take comfort knowing Tom is fighting for me, for us. I can feel relief as I make progress, and I have to not worry about regressing, I must stop it from happening. As I work through my issues, some things work, while others don’t. Things that have been helpful include: exercising daily; looking in the mirror and noting the things I like, or the positive changes exercise has brought; being open to new things, ideas, and suggestions; being thankful for everything I have and the things people do for me; flooding my mind with the right thoughts (positive thoughts); and just trying or making the attempt.

Much of our behavior is learned, whether it is from our experiences or society around us. I can’t say when or where I learned my bad behaviors, but I know they can be changed. Like when we visited the International Owl Center in Houston, MN, we learned that parts of the world fear and hate owls as signs of evil or impending doom. They kill them on sight, since that society has learned this behavior. It is no different than our fear of spiders, bears, wolves, or other animals. That is what we were taught. This fear and hate can be changed. During the presentation at the Owl Center, they told us how the fear and hatred of owls in one community in Africa were altered by one individual. Owls had been bad omens in their culture, but in one instance, when a pair of them were found in a remote corner of a farm, the biologist kept it quiet to try to protect them. Word got out, and other bird watchers wanted to see them. He led them to the nesting site and they paid to see them. He then shared this money with the farmer. More people learned of the owls and were willing to pay to see them. This income was shared with the whole community and soon the attitude towards the owls began to change. They now saw them as a good thing, and their superstitions were cast aside. The community no longer fears owls. We can change our thoughts and behaviors too.

It has been stormy a dark for some time, but there is hope for the future. I’ve not always been the person I am today. I have the will to be better than I’ve been showing the world. Life will be better if I accept and use the help others give me. I know I have support from friends and family. I’m working on a plan to be that better person, making goals, wishing for everything to be alright. You can email me at roadfronts@gmail.com with any advice you might have to offer. There is a rainbow at the end of the rain, isn’t there?

Share your comments on Facebook or email us at roadfronts@gmail.com