Soap With the Threat of Sardines

Last week, I had the notion to promise blogging each day. Tom and his niece convinced me to set a more realistic goal, and I’m elated to say that I achieved the revised target of getting two out there! HOORAY!!!

I have a few that I’m working on, but they are in such a jumbled mess and in need considerable finagling. I am determined to make sense of them to get them posted. Tom wants me to be proud of my writings, not to look back in regret or disappointment. I understand now at this time, their quality would benefit me more than the quantity.

For a very long time, I have not exhibited behavior in which depicts my self-image. To the outside world, everything appears fine, and to most I am, but inside myself and the actions I have towards my spouse, I have been quite unpleasant.

I have not been perceptive to rewarding encouragement, and seem to punish myself excessively for most any conflict or wrongdoing. I don’t show any joy or excitement when there is plenty of it around me. Many times a day, I drive myself excessively deep into the abyss, moping and ruminating about my misdeeds, even for the most petty of disputes. It doesn’t resolve anything and is more destructive than helpful. It prevents us from accomplishing anything most days. He says I’m acting like a child by crying, shutting down, or anything else I can muster to obstruct dealing with conflict. The issues only compound, rarely recede, making each day worse than the last. So far, nothing seems to entice me to reform my behavior, and it has been driving Tom nuts, beyond his wits end. I have not given him any relief when he so desperately needs it. Drastic measures needed to be taken!

His most recent idea incudes soap and sardines... The words “could” and “should” are extremely overused and without action, which makes them dismissive and misleading. Others like “can’t” and “don’t” are restrictive and excusing when I am fully capable. He says I shut down any and all chance of fixing issues due to this behavior. Due to that misuse, I’m to refrain from using these words in that manner. When I do use them, or if I resist having a postive, “can-do” attitude, I am to sink my teeth into the bar of soap. If that doesn’t show improvement in the next week, the soap progresses to eating a sardine, and then Surströmming the following week, all of which sound horrendous to me.

While my parents never used this tactic on us, it was done in his family. Initially I was taken aback, but after tossing it around in my head, I think it is something that has a good chance of working. I actually sunk my teeth into the soap, and I definitely don’t like the lingering flowery, cleanser taste. I am not the same as anyone else, and since I'm not learning to improve my behavior by conventional ways, maybe this could lure me to be less antagonistic. Before he implemented the soap, he looked up the toxicity of it, which I appreciate that he is concerned that it is not physically harmful.

You may be thinking “Why go to this extreme?” Details will follow in the next several posts and you might understand more clearly.

As for an update, I’ve now had two therapy sessions. She says I exhibit moderate depression with anxious distress, and I need to change my thought distortions of myself and eliminate self-judgment. I think she is very accurate as I have higher expectations of how I should behave than I deliver. Pointing out how much I use the words “I should” makes me understand how judgy I truly am. An example is ”I should be doing better by now.” It is an unrealistic expectation. I do like my therapist. She has already said many of the things Tom has suggested in the past and with that support backing up his words, it may give me the confidence to actually heed the advice.

On the bad side, my behavior hadn’t really improved. On a four-hour drive this morning, I resisted improving my attitude, but after the soap, it’s looking better. I think I am starting to understand just how harmful I have been. Tom says maybe the soap will be a clean start... he knows I don’t want it to get fishy! I do like that he helps to lighten the heaviness of my writing.

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