Dysphoria

Greetings! I know it’s been a while since there’s been a blog post from us, and for that I do apologize. So much is going on that it’s hard to keep up. It’s after 3:00a.m., and I’m in such discomfort that I cannot for the life of me get to sleep, so here’s an update for y’all.

I had been absent from posting this year, giving Al the platform to work on what ails him. We’ve been dealing with a lot of... well, just a lot. It’s been more compounding than conquering, to the point that we are seriously not good to be around each other. To me, it seems that one of us says they want to stay together, but isn’t making suggestions, nor sticking with the plans to betterment that the other makes. It’s a toxic stalemate, and I can’t keep rehashing it daily. We are currently many states apart, with our future to be determined. I’m hoping we can tune in to a common wavelength and work things out, but this separation was necessary. That is all that needs to be said, for I truly do not know why things have to be so difficult, or what is causing it. Now, on to the gloom that seems to be enveloping me...

To start, the impingement in my scalene muscles has returned. I’d prefer to endure the torn rotator cuff again over this. My neck, shoulder, and entire right arm are in constant or sudden sharp, sour, or shooting pains, from like a Spock-hold, to a funny bone whack, or a needle inserted into the bicep. Trying to stand straight, my head is about two inches to the left, while my right shoulder hangs about two inches lower than the left. From dealing with it a year ago, chiropractic and massage didn’t help. I’ve been trying to follow stretches every hour or two to loosen it up.

I’m stuck in a huge cloud of gloom, compounded with relationship strain, intense physical discomfort, severely lacking in sleep, and too many problems needing attention... meaning I’m one irritable sonofabitch pushed beyond my wits end. The Hulk is on the loose... It’s best to keep away until he cools back into Bruce Banner. It’s very unfortunate that friends didn’t heed the warning when I pleaded for them to lay off with the pressure. My welcome had expired, necessitating me to move on. From there, things only got worse...

I had already sent Al away, therefore my aching carcass needed to pack everything up for departure with adrenaline and perseverance fueling me onward. With my first stop being to dump the tanks, I walked right through the shit creek contents of the previous user before realizing why the pavement was slippery. I spent a half hour hosing up the mess, making it considerably more hygienic for the next user, but the smell and disgust followed me the rest of the evening.

The Boondockers Welcome request never received a reply, which left me scrambling as darkness was soon approaching. Shari and Al were my OnStar reps, searching online for places to stay as I drove, eventually leading me to an interstate rest area for the night. The boulderous landscape was welcoming, but led to the next lovely problem that surfaced...

We’ve been using an internet hotspot from Calyx Institute on T-Mobile’s network since the beginning of the year. It hasn’t worked very well, but we attributed it to our locations. It showed great coverage and 5G service, but I had no internet connection on my phone or either television, and if I refreshed a page forty times on the laptop, it sometimes loaded once or twice.

The next morning, I progressed to a city park, where I still had no internet. Calling the provider, they had me doing the usual monkey dance, then stated that coverage in this particular area has no plans on being maintained or improved. I moved another 30 miles to another interstate rest area, but still no internet. An after-hours technical assistance call stated my hotspot was likely kaput. Yay! This will be fun trying to find where to head for next.

The next day, I moved another 140 miles, calling Calyx / Mobile Citizen yet again, who transferred me to T-Mobile. Dude says I’m being throttled, way over my data limit, of which my plan has no limit and is not subject to throttling of any sort. Even so, I’m telling the guy that throttling does not mean no internet at all, and that the occasional speed test showing upwards of 180 Mbps does not make logical sense. Overall, I wasted more than six hours with various customer service reps saying that nothing is wrong. That evening, I had the idea to try the SIM in my old phone, and wouldn’t you know, the internet is working on every device via hotspot-tethering! Yesterday, the same spiel of calls, and they now will be replacing the hotspot due to my discovery. The takeaway is that all of these incompetent reps that just want to get you off the phone don’t give a rats butt if you have service or not, and I really am not in a place to deal with it. Also, they say my contract may be terminated if I use the SIM in any unapproved device such as my old phone, so no internets for me for another week - - - sad angry face.

Next issue... a flat tire! I broke a valve stem on the tow-vehicle over the weekend, which I intended on getting fixed today. It happens that my metal valve stem is also the TPMS sensor, and this shop doesn’t stock or service them. My thinking was delayed, but tomorrow I’ll have the spare and flat tires dismounted, move the flat to the spare which has a working sensor, then put the spare on the other wheel with a basic valve stem, otherwise the persistent dinging may have me punching damaging something.

I have the worst luck when it comes to buying things online. Too often, I receive things that have been returned, missing pieces, broken, have delays or shipping problems, get sent back before any delivery attempt, just plain bad luck! There’s been a lot of that lately, and one in particular that has sent me six of the wrong switches. They swear the right ones are coming now, but unfortunately, I’m no longer at that address to receive them, and not sure if that person will forward them on to me later. It’s not a dire situation, but adds to the incessant flood of frustration that I JUST CAN NOT HANDLE ! ! ! I could go on with several more fun things happening, but you get the point.

And then there’s a very sad note. The health and wellness of Suki and Cassie has come to a point where we must bid them farewell. They’ve been with us almost fifteen years. It’s been a very difficult choice for us to make. Suki’s had a severely progressive growth take over that’s much bigger than her head, causing her problems with the steps and a limp in her stride, while Cassie has been mostly blind, deaf, and unsteadily weak. The appointment has been made, and rivers of tears are being shed.

I’m currently in New Mexico on BLM land. While close to the interstate, I barely hear any noise. I’ve already cleaned up two bags of trash, depositing them in a municipal dumpster in town. So many beer bottles, dried pooped-on pee-pads, tissue, cans, clothing, paper and plastic. Why are people so nasty to their environment? My aim is to gather a bag a day, as the disgust of it pushes me into motion and through this pain. The gentler motions doing this are much easier on my body than changing a tire or wresting with a tow hitch, for which it’s agonizing more. The improvements in doing it make me feel accomplished, and that I’m making a tiny difference.

I am not depressed! I know what depression is. I’ve been on anti-depressants in the past, which brought on foggy brain and increased depression. I wouldn’t say I’m anxious either. I seem to be immune to pain suppressants, and as I’ve been drug-free for many years, I don’t ever want to go back. I’m serious when I say I’m beyond my wits end, and am enduring more than I can possibly handle. I’ve said it for too long but it and they never ease up. I can relate to Bruce Banner and the Hulk, needing to deflate this anger of irritability, and need things to go far smoother for a change, or at least with fewer problems and much less frequency. There’s got to be a calmer life than what’s bestowed upon me.

I miss Al. He could help with some of the physical stuff, but I’d still be handling the remaining issues. There isn’t enough Calgon to take my troubles away. (Do they even sell bath powder anymore?)

It’s now 6:00a.m. Betty is well rested and now demands constant attention. I ran out to snap a couple pics of the sunrise and the full moon still overhead. I do enjoy early mornings, but they’d be more welcoming if I’d gotten any sleep at all through the night. Ironic name to this place... Truth or Consequences. Why they changed from Hot Springs, I do not know.

Now that y’all know how amazing I’m doing, I’ll lighten it up and leave you with this... I’ve always been inspired by the quote below, and with my current goings-on, it seems an appropriate reminder. I’m humiliated, and trying my darndest to do good.

“There are two things that men should never wear of: goodness and humility; we get none too much of them in this rough world among cold, proud people.”