Caring Reboot

Things start off innocently enough; something doesn’t go the way you think it should, tasks are changed or added, or plans have to change to accommodate new information. To deal with it my mind began saying “it doesn’t matter,” for the small things that really don’t matter in the grand scheme of things. From my experience, this slope became dangerously slippery. The “it doesn’t matter” thoughts on trivial things became “I don’t care.” Then it wasn’t only the little things that didn’t matter, it was everything. That is where my mind has been and it makes life more complicated and anxious than it needs to be, when I should be embracing all the good changes

My not caring about anything was so bad that I didn’t even care about myself. Showering didn’t matter. My blood pressure skyrocketed and my thoughts were to push it higher in the sense of let’s hit a new record. It got so bad that on Christmas Eve, I no regard for myself or anyone else. Frantic and irrational, I twisted everything, thinking ending my existence was the only way I could make everyone’s, especially Tom’s life better. I am very fortunate that he intervened, and he was able to get his niece by phone and new nearby aquaintance to talk some sense into me, especially as late as it was that evening. It helped to show that no matter how low I feel, there are numerous people that care Looking back now, how horrible my family and friends would feel if I went through with it, let alone on Christmas Day. I had two more attempts after that too. Tom always stopped me, but it isn’t fair put that responsibility on him. I know that kind of thinking is not right, but in moments of manic thoughts, I toss all reasoning out the window. Some of it could be the antidepressant I was taking at the time, but I have to acknowledge that it was mostly, if not all, my doing. I didn’t have thoughts of suicide before taking it, and thankfully, I haven’t had any since Tom insisted I quit the prescription. Alas, I still have much work to do to care enough about the important things.

In my heart, I really want to care about people and objects, living or inanimate, I want everything to matter to me. To try to help me with that, Tom proposed keeping a list of goals to accomplish each day. They are relatively simple and although I consistently fail to accomplish them, I keep trying. He also helped me make a calendar to mark progress, hopefully helping me to be more accountable to achieve them. This too has had some mild success, but I aim to step up my dedication to completing. I need to be up on the high road where I am making up for lost time and for the past. I aspire to live up to my word and keep my promises to improve. Instead of dismissing suggestions and help, I must see it as the encouragement to improve that it really is. It is well past time to time to rise up, with more than a decade that the wrong behaviors have controlled . As part of this rising up, I am setting a goal to publish at least one more post before Friday to savor an over-achievement, for it should help my self-confidence, self-esteem, and general well-being to not only successfully reach my goal, but exceed it!

Thank you for the votes of confidence! It fuels my sense of responsibility to be a better person and I greatly appreciate any and all input.

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