Bringing Down the Defenses

I am one lucky sonofabitch!!! I have the most fantastic and patient husband. He’s been in my corner and doesn’t ever give up on me, even when he’s had far too many reasons that he should.

I’ve fallen into the bad habit of making the same repeated mistakes without trying anything new, scoffing at his ideas and not offering any of my own. This only causes conflicts to escalate. With all these chances, I never give him one. Who could blame him for needing a break.

I’m notorious for putting him off. When he says too-little too-late, I either give up entirely or barely give him a toot, when I should be giving it my all, each time, every time!

Over the years, I‘ve squandered away too many last-chances. Well, this morning he didn’t give me another and almost left. I begged him to stay, and he said I had two minutes to give him any reason not to go. I didn’t use that time wisely, nor did I provide a reason. It was him who conceded, explaining once again how antagonistic I’ve been, that things don’t need to be this obstructive and cruel, that I should forgive myself of my wrong-doings so that we may move on and progress in a much more civil and rational manner.

He kept me focused profusely until I finally sought desperation, letting down my resistance and defensive nature. He thoroughly demonstrated the sincerity and attributes of heartfelt apologies and appreciation. Many times through that he helped me see that it is far more pleasant and rewarding to cooperate in a postive manner. He has put forth an incredible amount of effort to get me to budge from my old stance of dismissal and defensiveness. With great sorrow, I have wrongfully been relentless.

Yes, something went wrong about fifteen years ago and my behavior has only worsened exponentially since then. I don’t know what that was, and it doesn’t matter, but I can’t be holding a bitter grudge over something that I can’t remember. I realize that that my thought of being the worst person in the world is partially true, and I have done multiple mean things, but I see that I don’t have to continue down that way. I get it! As he says, there’s no time for anything less than providing kindness and consideration toward one another.

If my behaviors are harmful and repeated, then I don’t know best. Through much discussion, we concluded that I need to look at his suggestions less like accusations and more like constructive advice, and by heeding it, I do see a positive attitude may excel.

I feel like there is hope again. A renewed sense of purpose has me blooming, or more like a bud about to freshly open. As he points out the better options, I’m more willing to chose his uplifting ones than falling into the dreary abyss. He also suggested I tell my brain to send a message to my mouth to say something endearing or with sincerity, and I do think it sounds better than depressingly trailing off. For whatever reason, it all seems to make more sense than it did 24 hours earlier.

I think I have a better understanding of what to discuss with my therapist. I need to get beyond being the saboteur to myself and the relationship. Knowing the reason why is not as important as having the way to make it end.

We both know and agree that things aren’t going to happen overnight, and give each other a needed break. We know there are going to be slip-ups. I am more receptive to him trying to calm me when I go off the rails. I do need to find a way to recognize there are times I need to take care of Tom when I have been beating him down. Please let the healing begin!

Tom let me borrow one of his inspirational quotes by Robert Louis Stevenson:

“There is no duty we so much underrate as the duty of being happy. By being happy we sow anonymous benefits upon the world,”

This quote is a wonderful reminder of how much a smile, unexpected compliment, or warm embrace can make a difference in our lives. It inspires me to make happiness a contagion, spreading it to one and all, and especially my husband, who I’ve shamefully deprived of so long. I understand it has been devastatingly harmful. I deeply apologize for the hurt it has caused and from now on, aim to provide him the most happiness he can endure. For I cherish him dearly; he should expect no less.

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