Beauty Lost

We planned on continuing in a southerly direction to stay ahead of the colder weather to come, but not so fast that we would still want air conditioning. That led us to decide to spend a few days just north of Pinedale, Wyoming at the Soda Lake Dispersed Camping area. It is truly a beautiful little alpine lake with its turquoise water, reminding us of the Gulf of Mexico. It had a calm, mirror-like surface most days that provided a marvelous reflection of the majestic mountains in the background. The sunsets here proved to be spectacular as well. One evening, the setting sun lit the mountains up in a stunning red glow before finishing its show on the horizon. The moon was so bright one night it just lit up the side of the motorhome.

There are 15-20 sites scattered around the lake. We arrived at the camping area, and unfortunately, it took us several attempts to decide on a site. So many things to consider, like which way do we face, what are the views out the door, what are the views out the windshield, how close are we to the water, how steep is the slope to the water, can we get level, and most importantly, what is the cell phone or internet coverage like at this one. All this had to be evaluated and decided on after Tom had just traveled down 6 miles of washboard gravel road to get here. It was so bad that some of the cabinet doors flew open and banged around. We finally settled on a site and managed to get set up. AT&T cellular service was good here and the T-Mobile internet was initially ok, but on the second day there, the closest tower began to have issues and we lost all connection for awhile. It eventually came back, but was never really great again.

This area has a corral that is used to check the health of the elk herd, and vaccinate them. Tom seen multiple hoof prints in the sand by the lake. There were many birds, chipmunks, and the ever present grasshoppers. Several people were enjoying being out on the lake in their kayaks and canoes.

This was a beautiful place, but I made it so that we could not enjoy it. Tom asks for very little and my behavior is appalling. I knew he was tense after the drive in on the washboards and my inability to make it easier to set up just made it worse. We went for a drive one day, and Tom offered help and hope to try to resolve issues between us, all I could do was sit there in silence. He asked how we could handle situations better and again I couldn’t offer anything. He offers suggestions and helps get me out of my funk, but I fail to do the same for him when he is down. I have blatantly disregarded his requests and for that I am truly sorry. I apologize for my behaviors, lack of initiative, lack of suggestion on trying to resove issues, and most importantly, abandoning him when he told me he needed me. I don’t want to want to be this person anymore, but most of the time I feel lost and powerless. I am realizing now how poor my behaviors are and have been that week and for the last 10-12 years. This has been building for a number of years because I avoid issues rather than resolving them. I am like an ostrich with his head in the sand. In fact, by my behaviors I abandoned him back then. Tom deserves the best, so I will keep trying, and each day is a chance to be better. I understand why he did not want to write this post, as it was not an enjoyable stay for either of us, but it was not the fault of the place. It’s beautiful... big skies... mountains in the distance... right alongside brilliant blue waters... at least a quarter mile from anyone else. I can only hope we will come back in better spirits and truly enjoy it like we should have.

It was below 50 degrees this morning, so today we made cookies. They turned out okay considering we are baking at high elevations now. I am sure we will manage to eat them all. Tom was having issues with the hinge on his laptop. He found someone in Spanish Fork to work on it, so we took it there this evening. They hope to have it back tomorrow evening or Saturday. Tom is feeling a little lost without his laptop. After dropping off the laptop, we stopped at Del Taco for dinner. Oh Boy, those burritos are huge. Tomorrow we plan on taking a drive on the Nebo Loop, southwest of here, hopefully pickup his laptop on the way back. Personally, today was a little better. I got some things accomplished, but unfortunately waited for Tom to remind me to do them. I will find the old me, the one with motivation, emotion, concern and thoughtfulness. He is in here somewhere. I can learn from my mistakes, or at least learn to react better.

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